Adoption
The Patchwork of Love
| Anyone who has ever considered adoption has faced hopes, fears, anticipation, and concerns. While negative adoption experiences exist, many adopted families give testimony of the opposite end of the spectrum—showing prospective adoptive parents that through prayer, the right agency, and supportive friends and family, an adoption can result in a match literally made in heaven. |
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LDS Family Services uses the phrase “I didn’t give him up, I gave him more,” to describe the blessings birth mothers can give to the children they place for adoption. Some families have found this blessing by adopting babies, and some by adopting older children; some have adopted domestically, and some have adopted internationally. But all have seen how the experience of bringing home a child has brought a unique joy to their growing families.
In support of National Adoption Month during November, the following information and stories chronicle the experiences of adoptive families who show that the phrase “Adoption: It’s About Love” is really much more than just a catchy slogan.
What to Consider, What to Ask, and How to Get Started: Questions and Answers with Steve Sunday from LDS Family Services
What do you want people to know about LDS Family Services’ adoption services?
I think the primary message that we want to share with the public is that adoption truly is about love. I’ve seen many birth parents who, after much soul searching, prayer, contemplation, and study, have decided that adoption is in the best interest of their child. I’ve also seen many adopted children grow up healthy and happy in adoptive homes where they smile, learn, and grow. I have seen them love two sets of parents. They love their adoptive moms and dads because of the love, direction, and support that they receive from them every day. I have also seen them express deep abiding love for their birth parents for the decision they made to give them the opportunities that come through adoption.
People should know that LDS Family Services is uniquely qualified to help individuals involved in a crisis pregnancy, including the birth mother and her parents, the birth father and his parents, and others. Services include free confidential counseling, and medical and financial assistance if needed. Counseling services are extended to all birth parents regardless of whether they choose to marry, place the child for adoption, or remain a single parent.
What questions should couples interested in adopting ask the adoption agency or specialist?
Once a couple has evaluated what they’re looking for in an adoption, it’s best if they talk to several adoption professionals to get an idea of what adoption requires. They should ask about home study requirements (a home study is a document produced by the agency that enables a couple to legally adopt—states vary in what they require).
If the couple is working with an agency other than LDS Family Services, they should make sure the agency is child care licensed and is aware and understands pertinent adoption laws (interstate compact, relinquishment statutes, etc.). The primary consideration by families should be the reputation and the quality of service offered by the provider. One of the great benefits of LDS Family Services is counseling to the birth parents. Couples can be assured that birth mothers will receive extensive counseling and support as they go through the complicated decision of choosing an adoption plan.
What is the basic process of adopting a child and how long does it take?
Couples who are eligible to adopt through LDS Family Services go through a home study process that involves at least one home visit by the adoption practitioner, individual interviews with the husband and wife and other children, and a completed profile that includes a collage of pictures, birth parent letters, criminal background checks, and other paperwork that may be required by the agency and state of residence.
Once the home study is complete, the couple is approved as adoptive applicants and their profiles are sent to various LDS Family Services offices. After a birth mother selects a couple for adoption, she and the prospective adoptive couple mutually decide on the level of openness they desire in their adoption. The parties are encouraged to be supportive and active in keeping in touch, helping to solidify their relationship and adoption plans. Once the baby is born, the couple will go to the agency serving the birth mother where the placement will be made. The birth mother may choose to be present. After all legal clearances are obtained, the couple and baby are free to return home. The adoption practitioner or volunteer will go to the couple’s home for at least three supervisory visits. If the visits are positive and reflect adjustment, proper medical care, and acceptance between parents and child, the couple will retain an attorney and seek to finalize the adoption in court with LDS Family Services’ signature releasing any rights fully to the couple.
How does the adoption process through LDS Family Services differ from other adoption agencies?
The primary difference is that LDS Family Services is committed to placing children in homes where they can be sealed in the temple to a father and a mother.
What are the costs of adopting a child?
It fluctuates across the United States from $4,000 to $30,000. Couples should thoroughly investigate an agency’s cost and expenditures to ensure they are paying for legitimate services. LDS Family Services’ fee policy works on a sliding scale. The couple will pay no less than $4,000 but costs will not exceed $10,000. The fee is based on ten percent of the couple’s gross, combined annual income. Additional expenses may be incurred for any travel and lodging, approved financial assistance to the birth parent(s), and court finalization/attorney fees.
Does LDS Family Services ever deal with international adoptions?
We have been involved with international adoptions in various countries, but this program has been put on a temporary hold. However, we are hopeful that international services will be available soon. If a couple is interested in international adoption, we will be able to refer them to a reputable international adoption agency.
What do you see as the greatest blessing of adoption?
I think the choicest experience is seeing a family holding an infant child, all dressed in white, in the temple. When I see photos of adopted children growing up—from playing their first game of soccer to going on a mission—I realize more fully the blessings of adoption.
We use the slogan “I didn’t give him up, I gave him more,” and as someone who has the privilege of working with birth mothers, I know that to be true; they truly feel they have given their children more. I admire them and appreciate the opportunity to work with such selfless women.
Steve Sunday is the manager of evaluation, development, and training for LDS Family Services and is the organization’s advisor to the national board of Families Supporting Adoption.
The End of a Long Journey Darin and Kim Caldwell; Clancy, Montana Their experience with an international adoption
We adopted two children, ages seven and nine, from the Ukraine in February 2005. We also have three biological children ages eleven, eight, and four. While we are still adjusting and could use some tips ourselves, this is our story, which we hope will help and inspire others.
Each of our five children arrived after much prayer, waiting, and hoping. After our third child, we were unable to have any more pregnancies. We knew Heavenly Father wanted us to have more children, and after discussing and researching adoption, felt certain we should try to adopt an older child. After researching online and meeting and talking to people in different areas of adoption, we felt positive about our choice for an independent adoption in Ukraine.
The process took almost a year from the start of the paperwork to our arrival home on February 26, 2005 with our two new children—a brother and sister, Alex and Valyna. The journey was full of highs and lows, joys and frustrations. We found them in a book of siblings in Ukraine’s National Adoption Center in Kiev. Three days later we met them, and two weeks after that we were on our way home with two children who spoke no English and had never lived in a functional family. It was the end of a long journey to complete our family, but the beginning of our new life together.
The process of adoption reminded us of a pregnancy. For many months our family prayed that Heavenly Father would care for our new children and protect and prepare them for our family. We agreed that we would love and care for whomever he led us to. We didn’t know what they would look like, what ages they would be, whether they would have medical issues or emotional problems. We attached ourselves to them just like parents do to their unborn child—committing to love and care before even seeing them. We prepared for the day we would meet with anticipation.
We don’t have any friends or family who have adopted, so we became part of an online group of families who have done independent adoptions in Ukraine and now have a huge support network that is invaluable to us. Having the support of someone who understands your feelings is essential.
Though I’m certainly not an expert, here are my two best pieces of advice (for adoptive parents and for other family members):
1. If you are an adoptive parent or a prospective adoptive parent, seek out the support of other families who have adopted. There can be a lot of overwhelming and conflicting feelings involved with adoption, and they will generally give the best advice and be the most sympathetic, listening ears you’ll find.
2. Friends and family members can be a huge support. Especially with older adopted children, many people do not know how to react or help. Our first weeks home were hard and seemed to last forever. Treat your new family member(s) as if he or she had just arrived home from the hospital as a newborn. If you’re a new grandparent, aunt, uncle, or close friend, offer dinner, babysitting, or just an ear to listen. Ask what you could do or give. Send cards or give small keepsake gifts. I treasure the support we received from kind friends and family who acknowledged our new additions. The arrival of an adopted child deserves no less attention than a biological birth.
What to Know if You’re Considering an International Adoption: Questions and Answers with Kent Park from West Sands Adoptions
West Sands specializes in adoptions from China and other countries
If parents are considering an international adoption, what questions should they ask an agency?
First they will want to find out if they will meet all of the qualifications. Depending on which country you want to adopt from, there are different qualifications about the parents’ ages, financial standing, marital status, health, and other criteria.
Parents also need to put a lot of consideration into how they and other family members will react to having a child that is not of their nationality. And of course they should also investigate how reputable the agency is by finding out how many adoptions they’ve initiated, and by speaking with other couples who have adopted from that agency.
What is the basic process for an international adoption?
Let’s take China as an example, because we do a lot of adoptions from China. The couple would apply to adopt through our agency. Then they need to get a home study from whatever state the couple is from. That process can take about six weeks.
During that time they will also start putting together what is called a “dossier,” which is a fancy name for a file and includes the documents required by China to adopt. When that dossier is complete, we forward it to our translator and then to China. Once it’s in China it takes about six months until the parents can go to China to pick up the child. They will have received pictures and other information during this time from the Chinese orphanage, and the parents would have already officially accepted the child. Most of the children available in China are between the ages of six and fourteen months—and they’re mostly girls. The whole process takes about nine to fifteen months.
What are some problems that might arise with an international adoption?
Our recommendation is to choose a country with a really good track record, over many years, of getting children here. In my opinion, China is number one, but there are other countries that are also reliable. The U.S. system is usually not the same system you’ll find elsewhere. Unfortunately, corruption can be common. Sometimes there are political problems as well. The government officials are often shifting and what may be policy one day may not be the next.
What are the costs?
Right now China adoptions are running between $15,000 and $17,000. That includes travel expenses and everything else involved in the entire process; so when an agency gives you a price, be sure you know exactly what is or is not included. Parents should also know, though, that there is a $10,000 federal tax credit available to parents who adopt either domestically or internationally, which is retroactive over a five-year period.
What do you most enjoy about working in this field?
In China it is estimated that there are over one million adoptable children available. And of that number, probably less than ten percent are ever placed for adoption. If you take a child that has been raised institutionally, even if they are very well taken care of, as opposed to a child that has been raise by a kind, loving family—well, there’s just no comparison. Our satisfaction is helping these children get out of the orphanages and find families with loving parents.
Kent Park is the Executive Director at West Sands Adoptions.
Love at First Sight :Tari and Scott Peiffer; Hillsboro, Oregon; Their experience adopting children of a different race
My husband and I are the parents of three biological children and four adopted children—four girls and three boys (soon to be eight—we have a biological child due in January). We are a “mixed race” family as we are Caucasian and our adopted children are African American.
The reason we chose adoption was simple: we felt there was a need for more families to consider adoption, and we knew we would love a child regardless of race. We truly felt drawn to explore this option.
Every day we are constantly aware of how blessed we are to have these priceless spirits in our home. We have ups and downs and have experienced things we never would have otherwise.
Our children learn love and acceptance at a very early age. They don’t see the color differences—they only know them as their siblings. How grateful I am that they are learning what it really means to know we are all God’s children. They are a wonderful example to their friends and peers and are accepting of others who may not fit in for whatever reason.
We had two biological daughters (ages five and three) when we adopted our oldest son. We explained to them many times how Heavenly Father has created many beautiful colors in the world (flowers, birds, sunsets, etc.), and He even created people in different colors. We taught them that we were going to be blessed to have a new baby brother who may not look the same as us, but that Heavenly Father was going to send him to be part of our family forever. We brought him home from the hospital and it was love at first sight. Our children never ask why we are different from other families—they know.
I am now pregnant and when we told our children the news, our eight-year-old (who is African American) yelled and cheered and then paused for a moment and said, “I wonder what color this one will be?” He was serious! We just had to laugh.
LDS Living Magazine
