Identifying Differences in Marriage
by Brent A. Barlow, Dealing with Differences in Marriage, 66-74.

I shared with you several differences that have emerged in my marriage. Some of these, Susan and I recognized immediately. With others, one or both of us had to acknowledge the differences as legitimate (getting out of the I'm-right-you're-wrong syndrome). And still others, we realized only after consciously trying to identify some things we couldn't quite put our fingers on at first.

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The point is, before we can work on reconciling our differences, we must first know what they are. Quite a few of them may be minor, which we can just choose not to let bother us, and a number of them may be major, requiring a couple’s joint efforts to reconcile them. Differences must be identified and acknowledged by both husband and wife before they can be dealt with.

Before you begin to identify your differences, you may want to go to your local library or Christian bookstore and obtain a copy of Incompatibility: Grounds for a Great Marriage, by Chuck and Barb Snyder. The Snyders claim to be the world’s most opposite couple, and chapter one of their book lists over fifty differences they had identified at a time when they were seriously considering divorce. Here are some of the differences they noted:

She likes butter. He likes margarine.

She is a low-energy person. He is a high-energy person.

She is relationship-oriented. He is goal-oriented.

She is left-handed. He is right-handed.

She is practical. He is a dreamer.

She likes the toilet paper roll to roll toward her. He doesn’t care which way it rolls.

She likes to listen to soft violin music. He likes to listen to loud country music.

She has a difficult time making decisions. He makes them easily.

She likes a variety of foods. He likes the same old standbys.

She came from a loud family in which everyone shouted at each other. He came from a quiet family in which hardly anyone ever raised a voice.

She wants to resolve conflict immediately. He wants to wait awhile.

She wants to talk when she is angry. He doesn’t want to talk when either of them is angry.

She believes stoplights are ordained of God to bring order into our lives. He believes stoplights are tools of Satan to disrupt his life.

She is a perfectionist. He is disorderly.

She keeps a clean desk. He has a rolltop.

She likes one or two pets. He likes several.

She is a saver. He is a spender.

She is a planner. He is impulsive.

She asks for directions when she gets lost. He feels that asking for directions is a sign of weakness.

She feels comfortable taking things back to the store when they aren’t exactly what she wants. He stores them in the garage.

She likes to take her time. He is always in a hurry.

She does one thing at a time to conclusion. He likes to do many things at once.

She hates paperwork. He handles paperwork easily.

She smashes bugs in the house and kills spiders. He carefully takes them outside to safety.

Despite a multitude of differences and a marriage that seemed doomed, this Christian couple were able to avoid separation and deal successfully with their differences. They attribute much of their success to their Christian faith and their relationship with Jesus Christ.

Just a note of caution before you begin to identify your differences. I suggest that you do not do this exercise right after the honeymoon or during the first six months of the marriage. Enjoy the wedded bliss! Research has noted that most married couples continue the high phase of romance well into the first six months of marriage. It is usually during the last half of the first year that differences become more pronounced and noticeable. President Spencer W. Kimball has remarked:

Two people coming from different backgrounds soon learn after the ceremony is performed that stark reality must be faced. There is no longer a life of fantasy or of make-believe; we must come out of the clouds and put our feet firmly on the earth. Responsibility must be assumed and new duties must be accepted. Some personal freedoms must be relinquished and many adjustments, unselfish adjustments, must be made.

One comes to realize very soon after marriage that the spouse has weaknesses not previously revealed nor discovered. The virtues which were constantly magnified during courtship now grow relatively smaller, and the weaknesses which seemed so small and insignificant during courtship now grow to sizeable proportions. The hour has come for understanding hearts, for self-appraisal, and for good common sense, reasoning, and planning.

If you have recently married, skip the following exercise for a few months and just get used to living together. Come back to it later. I might add, however, that identifying differences may be an excellent exercise to complete for couples who are considering marriage. Couples may identify differences during this stage of the relationship that may have to be dealt with before the marriage, such as how many children each partner wants or how involved each person wants to be in church activity after marriage. Couples happily married for extended periods of time have two options: (1) They can ignore the differences, choosing to live with them or (2) they can identify their differences and learn to deal with them.

Exercise for Identifying Your Differences

Step 1. On a sheet of paper, list the differences that exist between you and your spouse. The differences do not have to be in any particular order, nor do they have to be listed in priority of importance. Just jot them down. Perhaps you have some of the ones mentioned by Chuck and Barb Snyder.

Step 2. After you have listed your differences, contemplate the following quotation from Elder B. H. Roberts: “In essentials let there be unity; in non-essentials, liberty; and in all things, charity!” The phrase suggests that in “essentials” (things that really matter) there must be some degree of unity. In nonessentials (things of lesser importance) we should exercise great tolerance and liberty. And in all cases in dealing with differences, we should act with kindness, love, or charity.

Step 3. Now, go through the list you have made and identify each difference as either an essential difference or a nonessential difference.

Essential Differences

Some differences are “core symbols” in a marital relationship; that is, they represent some things that are central or “core” in matters of importance. For example, one core symbol might be the couple’s differences with money management. Perhaps either husband or wife (or both!) fail to keep track of money spent or bills owed. Inability to manage money typically affects more than a couple’s credit rating. It often has a detrimental impact on the marriage relationship and directly affects the couple’s ability to provide for themselves and their family.

Some differences that would normally be incidental could become core symbols. For instance, differences in personal hygiene—how often a person shampoos, what brand of toothpaste he or she prefers, and so on—are relatively unimportant. But they would become critical if perhaps one spouse failed to bathe often, so that the body odor became offensive to the other spouse and others around them. Differences in standards of personal cleanliness could become an important issue in a marriage.

Essential differences, then, are those rather serious areas, large or small, that cause constant concern, hurt, and irritation in a marriage. If left unattended or unresolved, they may lead to marital disruption and possibly divorce.

Nonessential Differences

Every marriage has differences that are not serious but are nevertheless areas of concern and disagreement. The concern or irritation may be over clothes left on the floor, differences in food preferences or eating habits, or speech mannerisms. There are such frequently noted differences as squeezing the toothpaste tube from the middle or end or having the toilet paper roll forward or backward. And how about the butter? Should it be kept in the cupboard or in the refrigerator?

One of the most humorous experiences I ever had took place in a class of young married couples at BYU. One day we were discussing the differences they had discovered. I asked the class to name some, and four young wives immediately raised their hands. One of them stated, “I can’t stand it when I walk into the bathroom and my husband has left the toilet seat up!” Everyone laughed, but the other three young women had raised their hands to say the same thing. For these four young women, toilet seats up was an essential difference. All the husbands in the class thought it was a nonessential. So I was able to teach them one critical point: If something, such as the position of the toilet seat, is an essential difference for one, it should also be considered an essential difference for the other. Most of the young husbands left the class having committed to keep the toilet seats down in their apartments. What is humorous and nonessential to one can be serious and essential to the other.

After you have completed the exercise to identify your differences, you should have a list in which each entry is tagged with the word essential or nonessential. Most groups in which I have conducted this exercise label a high percentage (90 percent or higher) of the differences as nonessential. The differences may cause concern and be irritating, but they are not issues or areas that could threaten to overthrow the marriage. With almost every couple, however, there are a few, perhaps only one or two, differences identified as essential, which means they cause more concern, or even pain, and disrupt the marriage. In some cases, the differences, if left unattended, could possibly lead to divorce.

Now that you have acknowledged and categorized your differences into two groups, you are ready to proceed to the most important part of this book. The next five chapters discuss ways to deal with both essential and nonessential differences. As you work through your differences, remember this one important idea: Start with the smallest difference, the one with the least emotional impact. Save the big ones for last, after you have gained a few skills and insights in dealing with differences. Don’t try and jump a four-foot wall when you have only three-foot skills! Give yourself and your spouse some time to work through the differences and try to keep your sense of humor during the process.

One nonessential for me when Susan and I married was hair spray. Susan would buy cans of hair spray and spray deodorant that looked exactly alike and put them next to each other on the shelf. I still remember the sensation of getting up in the morning, showering, and then, with my glasses still off, grabbing an aerosol can and spraying my arm pits with hair spray. We finally worked through that one by collaboration. Susan kept her two cans of spray where she wanted, and I got my own smaller can of “men’s deodorant” and put it where I wanted. We kept a nonessential difference from becoming an essential difference. (I can imagine the newspaper headline if we hadn’t resolved that difference: “BYU Marriage Counselor and Wife Divorce after Long-standing Dispute over Hair Spray!”)

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