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How to Change Your Family
William G. Dyer, Phillip R. Kunz, Effective Mormon Families: How They See Themselves, 149-162. It seems logical that many Latter-day Saints who read this book might ask, “How may we become a more effective family?” You may have preschoolers and elementary-school-age children, perhaps with new babies still coming. Or perhaps your children are teenagers or even adults living at home. The good news (we suppose it could also be the bad news) is that there is no particular age or stage when parenting is automatically easier. We asked the parents in our survey four questions: 1. At what age have you found your children the easiest to rear? 2. Why do you think that is? 3. At what age have you found your children the most difficult to rear? 4. Why do you think that is? Sixteen percent of the parents responded that they had found all times equally easy, and 2 percent said they had never found an easy time. But the remainder of those who responded made a pattern that looked like this: Age Easiest to Rear 0-5 26% 6-12 37% 13-15 9% 16-18 3% 19-21 3% over 21 2% Age Hardest to Rear 0-5 8% 6-12 5% 13-15 41% 16-18 32% 19-21 4% over 21 1%
It will be a surprise to no one that 73 percent of the families identified the teen years as the hardest, although it was interesting that the earlier teen years seemed to involve more difficulties than the later teens. Even so, 12 percent of the parents found the teenage years the easiest of any stage. When we asked the parents to give the reasons for their answers, the pattern, again not surprisingly, revolved around authority and individualism, again showing that Mormon families are not much different from American families in general. Twenty-six percent of the parents said that preschoolers were easiest to rear with an additional 37 percent opting for the six-to-twelve age group. Of these parents, 40 percent cited the willingness of their children to accept guidance as the reason, while 22 percent gave as a reason that it was easier to talk things over and the child was more likely to accept the parent’s reasoning. Fifty-nine percent of the parents who said the teenage years were the hardest cited the child’s increasing need for autonomy as the reason. Twenty-three percent cited peer influence and outside activities as the reason these years were so difficult. Many parents added comments on the questionnaire or during interviews about why they responded as they did. A Provo couple with eight children, ages seven to twenty-three, said that “all ages” were easy to rear because of their particular family structure: “The wife worked most with the children when they were younger, and the husband when they were older.” They had two sons, a daughter, another son, and then four daughters, and they had checked that while both parents were equally responsible for teaching, helping, and disciplining the children between the ages of six and twelve, that the husband took over decisions about the duties and behavior of the boys after age six while the wife continued to make most of the decisions about the duties and behavior of the girls. A mother whose two children were born a year apart when her husband’s four children by his first marriage were between nineteen and twelve acknowledged that “nothing but love and patience can build trust and unity in a step-parent situation” but exclaimed, “I find children absolutely fascinating and fun at each stage of development.” The Idaho parents of ten children ranging in age from twelve to twenty-nine corroborated, “Every age has its special problems and its very special joys. Each child had a difficult period or so, but on the whole, we have thoroughly enjoyed every age of every child.” An Idaho mother of six children, ages sixteen to thirty-four, wrote, “Every year I wished that time would stand still. Raising children was such a wonderful joy and challenge. If I had to choose, I’d say the early teens were the hardest. The children had to become adults, and parents had to make the transition from rule givers to friends. It’s a time for learning for all of us.” A Salt Lake City couple with three sons and three daughters, all of them married except for one daughter who was just completing a mission, observed, “There’s no easy time. It’s always a challenge,” but added, “We enjoyed all ages. It’s just that each age has different difficulties.” One couple from Idaho with two daughters and two sons between ages twenty-nine and twenty-two, all married, had very precise memories about hard and easy ages. “Six was easiest,” they recalled, “because the world was more frightening to them and they were more willing to listen and seek parental help. Fifteen was hardest because of their wanting to be independent and because of peer pressure.” Some parents saw the preschool years as easiest. The California parents of three living children wrote that the first year of life was easiest: “They were cuddly, cute, and cooperative.” Another mother, who also found that the preschool years were easiest, wrote: “In many respects, there was more work to be done when all of the children were little and we had two or three in diapers at the same time. But every day there was a quiet time when all of the children were in bed—bathed and looking so clean and sweetly asleep. We always knew pretty much where they were; and while there were quarrels and tiffs, we usually could settle things. “Now that most of the children are teenagers, it’s a different world. They want to be gone all the time, and we have to keep insisting that they tell us where they are going and when they will be back. They want to go places, do things, and wear things we don’t feel too good about, but they say, “Everyone else does it. Why can’t we?” “We know they get hurt or upset, but it isn’t easy anymore to talk with them about their problems. When they were little, they brought every little problem or concern to us, but that has really changed. Dad and I often feel like strangers on the outside wanting to help but not knowing how to get in. “We recall how we used to say we would be so thankful when we got all the kids out of diapers, into school, and had some time to ourselves. But now I can see that those early years were really less complicated and worrisome than things are now.” Several couples liked the age from babyhood to two because it was less trouble then the other ages, but that seemed to be largely a matter of spacing. One Provo couple with three children born in three years and a fourth coming four years later recalls those first three years as the most difficult “because we were most restricted. The father had less time because of being in school. We had less money. We got less sleep. The children demanded constant attention, and we had less freedom.” A Utah couple with nine children, ages eight, to twenty-seven, liked ages six to twelve because “they can care for themselves but they’re still teachable and there isn’t as much peer pressure. After fourteen, they found their children “testing rules, striving for independence, subject to peer pressure, and involved in proving themselves to their peers and to themselves.” A Utah couple with fourteen children, ages seven to thirty, also thought of the years between six and twelve as easy: “They are beyond usual childhood diseases, and they haven’t yet thought of dating, driving cars, and so on.” A Provo couple with seven living children, ages twelve to twenty-nine, exuberantly wrote for easiest age: “Six to twelve and twenty-plus! No diapers and no teenagers!” One Utah father with five sons, ages twenty-two to thirty and with two of them now married, observed: “The golden years in our family were the teenage period. Our fourth child was born when the first was turning five, and our fifth arrived three years later. My recollection of those early years is one of lots of work, sick kids, and heavy physical demands. For about five of those years, I was a bishop or had heavy Church responsibilities, and my wife had a great deal of work and responsibility. “However, when the boys were all teenagers, they could either drive or go with someone besides the parents. Everything seemed to happen at our house—parties, song practices, play rehearsals, and student-body-election committee meetings. Loud music was always competing with somebody on the guitar or piano. The food bill was astronomical. We spent all of our time going to ball games, plays, and programs. I loved it. “And there were never any real problems with our children. There were the usual romances and breakups, lost elections and football games, a constant hassle about neglected chores; but we did a lot of things together—skiing, fishing, golfing, ball games, and great family trips and vacations. We liked being together, and the talk was always rich and stimulating. Underneath it all was the knowledge that in just a few years our boys would all be on missions. We savored the crowded years that were passing so rapidly. At least in my mind, these years were the easiest.” Conditions Necessary for Change Even if change is desirable, is it possible? One Montana couple had been raised in inactive homes and did not become active themselves until the first four of their seven children were already in their teens. They saw the absence of Church influence in those early years as crucial. One son had run away several times. A second preferred non-Mormon friends. One son had served a mission and married in the temple, but his brother and the two daughters had not. The contrast with the younger children, they felt, was marked. But does that mean change is impossible if a family starts out in a direction it later wants to alter? Not necessarily. A great deal of research has been done on how and why people change. Two conditions seem to be absolutely essential for change to occur: 1. People change only when they feel a strong need to change. The research has looked at religious conversion, management training, Weight Watchers, and Alcoholics Anonymous. Unless people “sign up” feeling powerfully, even desperately, that they need to change, just sitting through the program and going through the motions won’t do it. Before a family can change, at least one person in that family has to say, “We cannot let our family continue to go on as it has. Things aren’t right. I’m going to do absolutely everything in my power to help make things better.” 2. People change when someone they respect agrees with them and supports the change. Alcoholics Anonymous assigns each person a “buddy” who has overcome the problem and who will be on call for as long as the person needs help. If the wife is the one who feels that something has to change, the husband too needs to support the change. Then if the couple has a friend, a parent, a bishop, or home teachers who can give support, encouragement, or suggestions, the chances for success increase further. Newly converted parents often pray for the first time with a missionary acting as the model for prayer and also as an authority figure in asking for the prayer to be said. Both parents and children accept holding family prayer because they accept the new teaching situation. In other words, this family has both social support and someone to initiate the change in learning to pray. In the family setting, the parents must usually initiate the change; but usually they can do it simply by announcing that they are going to change something or, better still, holding a family discussion about what needs to change and how. The “how” is important. It is not enough for a couple to say, “We need to start talking together more.” A more effective plan would be: “We are going to do three things: (1) Every night (or twice a week) before the children go to bed, we will all meet in the parents’ bedroom, talk about the day’s events or things coming up, or share some memories of times past, and then have family prayer together. (2) We parents will make a list of gospel topics and questions. During Sunday dinner, you children can choose one of these topics for discussion, or you may take a turn telling the rest of us what you learned in church that day. We’ll say what we learned, too. (3) On Fast Sunday (or another specified time during the month), the father will have a personal interview with each child. In the interview they will talk about any concerns the child has, any issues the parents want to raise, and goals that the child wants to set.” If the program were this clear, if everyone in the family agreed on it, and if the parents were willing to pour the energy it takes into seeing that it actually happens, every day, every week, every month, then change would come. A real roadblock to change is how much effort it takes. People simply get tired of putting all the necessary effort into a project until the new pattern feels comfortable. Also, most people are afraid of failing or looking inept when they try something new. One father ruefully reported what happened when he tried making a change: “I was not satisfied with the degree of closeness we had in our family. We didn’t talk together or do much together. We all seemed to be going in different directions. I was determined to bring the family closer and had an image of our family enjoying lively discussions together. So I told my wife and our three children (ages nine, twelve, and fourteen) that I wanted everyone to be at dinner promptly that evening. We were all going to sit around and have a good time talking. When they weren’t at the table on time, I yelled at everyone and finally got them seated. Then I asked my son, “What did you do today at school?” “Nothing.” “Anything interesting happen?” “Nope.” I got the same non-response from the rest of the kids. The phone rang and they all jumped up to get it, and I decided to forget the whole thing.” Similarly, if a family has never held a family home evening before, the parents may feel very anxious about trying this new activity. And since the children will be resisting change for exactly the same reason, the anxiety has some justification in fact. One father in an active family that conscientiously tried to have a regular family home evening revealed some of the problems: “There’s an old saying in the Church that family home evening is the only fight that is opened and closed with prayer. That isn’t exactly how our family night sessions are, but they aren’t as effective as my wife and I would like. First, one or more of the kids is often busy and either doesn’t want to have family night or wants to cut it short. Then the age differences among the children sometimes make it difficult to get everyone interested in a topic. I think our best lessons have been those where the children give the lesson to the rest of the family.” The next problem is how to get the children behind the change, not just putting up with it to accommodate Mom and Dad. In addition to just plain sticking with it until the dinner-table conversation becomes expected and a habit, how can you encourage the children to invest in it and see that they too are benefiting? One way is to keep the goal clear. Say, “I really enjoy dinnertime now. I enjoy learning what you kids thought about Brother Miller’s talk. I feel that we’re learning to communicate better as a family.” Or make the topic of conversation clear enough that the “rules” for participation are clear: “Jane told me something very interesting about alternative energy forms that they discussed in school today. Why don’t you tell them about it, Jane? Do you have any ideas, Stan, on which forms might be most practical in this area?” Another suggestion is to reward people for their participation: “I really appreciate Bart’s suggestion that we broaden the topics to include current events. I though at first that we needed to concentrate on gospel topics; but they have a way of creeping into everything anyway.” Deal with resistance and negative behavior in terms of the goal, not the person: “Rob, we’ve all decided that we want to improve how our family communicates. When you call Susan a nerd because she likes the president, does that help our family or hurt it? What will you do to help?” Let the children articulate their feelings about what’s happening as they work toward the goal: “Susan, you and Rob had quite a debate about the president tonight, and in the past, that’s been quite a sore point between you sometimes. How did you feel about tonight’s discussion?” Case Studies In light of these suggestions, let us share with you two case studies of Latter- day Saint families we interviewed that made a decided change. We’ve altered the names and certain other information to safeguard their privacy. Jack grew up in a community just outside of Salt Lake City in a solid working- class family (the father was a crane operator) that was known as a good Latter- day Saint family, even though the father worked most Sundays and could only attend church irregularly. Jack was active while he was growing up, but when he enlisted in the navy at seventeen for World War II, he was never stationed near a branch. Naturally, he could not attend church. None of his new companions were Latter-day Saints, and he went along with them, drinking coffee and occasionally drinking with them on shore leave. Discharged at age twenty, Jack went back home and found that most of his high- school friends were also inactive. He didn’t go back to church. After several months, he met Betty, and they began dating seriously. She was an active Church member from an active family, but she fell in love. To her parents’ disappointment, she married Jack outside the temple. They moved to another community in the Salt Lake City area. Jack was ambitious and hard working. He took a weekend job and also started to build their house on weekends. For more than eight years, Betty went to meetings periodically, but Jack was a virtual stranger in the ward. They had four sons; and as the boys got old enough to attend Primary and Sunday School, Jack and Betty began to have a series of talks together about their future as a family, largely initiated by Betty. They discussed at length what they wanted for their sons. For both, it included active Church membership. During their entire marriage, Jack and Betty knew that Jack’s mother and Betty’s parents hoped they would return to activity in the Church. They never criticized or pressured Jack and Betty, but Jack always knew that they would be deeply pleased if he became active again. And he knew it was mostly up to him, since Betty was already quite committed to activity. While Jack and Betty were having these discussions, the elders quorum president in their ward began to visit them, encouraging Jack to attend priesthood meetings with him. Betty and Jack both respected him and considered him a friend, so Jack somewhat reluctantly accepted the invitation and began to attend more regularly. As his confidence grew, he was asked to teach a Sunday School class and accepted. Then Jack was offered an attractive job in another part of the state, and they moved to a new location. They might have drifted back into inactivity, but their new bishop noticed that they had two boys who were Cub Scout age and called Betty to be a den mother and Jack a cubmaster. Soon they were thoroughly involved in the ward. They agreed to attend a Project Temple series, again at the bishop’s invitation, and were sealed in the temple. Other ward positions came for both of them. Jack was called as a counselor in the bishopric, then as bishop. After a long time in this key position, he was made a member of the stake high council. Betty served in several auxiliary positions and then in the stake Relief Society presidency. Three of their four boys filled missions and all married in the temple. Jack and Betty had turned their lives around and made a permanent difference in the lives of their children. All of the elements were present to encourage and support change. Jack and Betty felt a deep need to make a change. The elders quorum president gave a Jack a specific invitation to do something in his company and with his approval by attending meetings. He was present to ease the shock of going back, and he supported Jack emotionally. Jack’s mother and Betty’s parents were openly delighted and very supportive. The children had already been attending Primary and Sunday School, so the change was not drastic for them. Besides, since they were young, they were very willing to go along with the decision of their parents. As Jack and Betty became more active, they were rewarded by feeling more integrated into the ward, developed a wider circle of friends, and accepted positions that gave them more support, more status, and more positive reinforcement. At some point, they were fully active, not for the sake of their sons, but because they themselves were benefiting from it and fully believed in it. Going to the temple not only rewarded them with the knowledge that their family was now sealed forever, if they would continue worthy, but also articulated new covenants of devotion to the gospel. The youthful ages of their sons was certainly an advantage for Jack and Betty in making the change. In the second case study, Scott and Paula needed to make the change operate effectively for their teenage children as well. Scott came from a very strong Latter-day Saint family and was a returned missionary. Paula’s family were inactive members, and Paula had never been active. She attended Brigham Young University because it was convenient, and there they met, fell in love, and married. Then they moved to California. They also had four sons. Scott attended church fairly regularly and held a few positions, while Paula was almost completely inactive, smoked, drank coffee, and had an occasional cocktail. Their boys were baptized at eight and attended church with Scott. Then one Sunday when their oldest boy was about sixteen and the youngest was nine, the stake president phoned, asking Scott to come to his office and bring Paula. With some foreboding, Scott agreed. The stake president told them that their ward was being divided. The new bishop wanted Scott to be one of his counselors. Would Scott accept the call and would Paula support him? Scott said, “President, I am honored to receive this call, but my wife and I are not worthy.” The stake president looked at both of them and said, “You can get worthy, can’t you?” Scott and Paula looked at each other and, with that ability married couples gain through the years, communicated with each other and agreed. Scott replied, “Yes, President, we can and will get worthy, and we accept the call.” In a daze they went home, called their sons around them, and told them of the new call. The boys were delighted and enthusiastic. They talked for some time about the changes all of them would have to make to be worthy of this new calling. Paula pledged never to use coffee, tea, alcohol, or tobacco again. They all agreed to start having prayer, going to church together, paying a full tithing, and having family home evening. Making the decision was the easy part. Scott, the most religiously trained partner in the marriage, was gone a great deal with his new calling, leaving Paula, who was less experienced, to carry out many of the decisions. Sometimes they forgot. Sometimes they weren’t prepared. Both Scott and Paula were determined to make the changes, however, and after several weeks the new activities became routine and began to feel “normal.” Within a year Paula was called to serve in the ward Primary presidency. Their eldest son turned mission age and accepted a mission call. His three brothers followed in his footsteps. The family became one of the stake stalwarts. Paula found she enjoyed the temple and attended frequently. Later she became stake Relief Society president, and Scott served on the high council. This family was truly transformed. For Scott and Paula, the need to change was stimulated by an important new Church calling. Both the bishop and the stake president were important people giving support and encouragement. All of the boys rallied around and provided the needed family social support. It made the change work. These two case studies happen to be success stories. There is no guarantee that older children will support a change, even when the parents are totally behind it; but it is certain that weak commitment and uncertainty on the part of the parents will doom change before it begins. One father talked about his reluctance to start a needed change. He said, “We have never had family prayer in our home. I feel it would be a great strength to all of us if we started this practice. But I don’t know how to begin. I’m afraid that if I try it, my kids will all snicker and make fun of the whole idea. After all, they have never even heard me pray aloud, and I don’t know how anyone would react.” His fears are not unrealistic, but it is doubtful if he will be able to get anything started, feeling the way he does. A possible approach might be: “Children, when I grew up we used to have family prayer in our home. This we did every morning and evening. The same thing happened in your mother’s home. For some reason we just didn’t get prayer started in our home. Mother and I have talked about it, and we want to begin to have family prayers together in our home. We would like to do this just before we eat breakfast and before dinner at night. We hope that all of you will come and kneel with us so we can have prayer together. This will help us as a family. We love each of you and want to do what is right.” Conclusion If nothing else, the record of the highly effective families in this study should encourage parents about the possibility of changing. The parents of nine children, ranging in age from thirteen to twenty-nine, wrote: “We are trying with all our hearts to be an eternal family, and we do this unitedly. Even though we do not succeed always, we are trying. Inch by inch, day by day, line upon line, we shall continue to strive for that greatest of all goals—being an eternal family and having exaltation.”
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Today's date: August 28, 2008
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