Dear Parents: What We Wish Parents Knew about Being a Teenager Today
by April Osborn

Most parents remember what it was like to be a teenager—often with surprising clarity. But despite their best efforts, they can’t always relate to what their teen is experiencing now because each generation faces a new set of challenges. Here’s what seven kids said they wished their parents understood about being a teen today.

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“Parents just don’t understand” has been a favorite motto for teenagers for generations. And the mother of four will hear from her fifteen-year-old daughter the same complaint she remembers making of her own mother not so very long ago. Can the teenage experience really change all that much in twenty or thirty years?

Being a teenager can be a painful experience. While high school may be filled with fun activities—dating, dancing, football games—teens also have to deal with peer pressure, gossip, and humiliation in all its forms. Sometimes the ugliness of it all is enough to make a student change schools, just to have a chance of making it through the day.

Over the years, those experiences are put into perspective. You’re able to see that not having a date to prom didn’t actually ruin your life, that that bully had his own demons to face, and that life did go on after you flunked that biology test. You see how you grew through those experiences, and, often, how reacting differently to them at the time could have made them less painful. But in the moment, it really was like the world was crashing down around you, and you probably didn’t believe it when your parents tried to convince you otherwise.

Knowing all of this helps you to sympathize with others. As a friend or mentor, you can talk with an understanding of what those experiences feel like and give advice to those in the midst of adversity. Your wisdom becomes a comfort to those around you. But for some reason, it doesn’t work the same way with your own children. It seems there is so much emotion involved in the parent-child relationship, so many expectations, fears, and hopes, on both sides, that things simply don’t work the way they do in other relationships.

While it can be difficult to see your children moving away from you, it helps to realize that that is what you’ve been working toward since they were born. You are not trying to raise your kids to be kids, but to be responsible, intelligent adults—adults that can think for themselves and form their own opinions. The transition from child to adult can be a painful one for everyone involved, but it is important to realize that your children are individuals. They have to learn to deal with a lot of things on their own, and they often feel smothered when they aren’t allowed to make their own decisions. At the same time, they aren’t adults. They need you to guide them. Parents do not become obsolete when their kids turn thirteen. On the contrary, kids run into larger and more complicated problems than ever before during their teenage years, and they will need a parent to turn to.

The most important thing a parent can do for their teenagers is to be open and available. While they have a lot to say, most teens find it difficult to talk to their parents. Whatever the reason—a fear of disappointing their parents, causing an argument, or just the awkwardness that may come in saying things their parents don’t expect—it helps if parents can make themselves as approachable as possible.

In hopes of bridging the gap, we asked teens to open up and tell us what they wish their parents knew. While their responses are as varied as their personalities, they all seem to center on a similar theme, expressing both gratitude and frustration.

While most of them won’t say it as often as you’d like, they do appreciate all that you do. They even recognize that the rules you give them are helping to make them better, healthier people. They know they need you, even if they won’t always admit it. Good parents are in the midst of a balancing act, advising their teen when necessary, but ultimately allowing him to make his own decisions and be his own person.

Bryan, 15

Riverside, California

I want my parents to know that I am an individual. I don’t really think that they take me for myself, because sometimes they only let me be what they want me to be. If I could tell them anything, it would be to just let me go. I understand where they’re coming from because I am their kid, but it’s just like, “Loosen the leash there, Bub.” Although, to be honest, if they weren’t being kind of constricting, I don’t think I would be the same person, because they make me aware of what I should and should not do.

Claire, 18

Albuquerque, New Mexico

I will readily admit that I don’t know everything. No one does. But I happen to know some people who profess that they do. Their names are Mom and Dad. And while I love them dearly, I wish they knew a few more things that I know. I wish that they knew exactly how hard it is to be a righteous, unshakable LDS kid today. They’ve told me stories about when they were teenagers (I know, scary, huh?), and it’s amazing that kids who did drugs, drank, watched porn, and cheated were in the minority. All those things were quite common practices at my high school, and while they were still behaviors that were frowned on, they were also accepted as “the norm,” and not surprising.

I wish my parents knew how hard it is to meet people who are really nice and funny at first until you discover that they pummel their bodies with drugs and alcohol on the weekends, or see women as objects and not people, or like to tell stories about their promiscuity in great detail. And above all, how just about everyone accepts it and even sometimes expects it.

I also wish my parents knew that even if I roll my eyes at their humor and run out the door every night to hang out with someone besides the family, they’re still in the back of my mind. I enjoy spending time with people I can relate to because of their age, but I won’t be friends with them forever. I’ll move away for college and leave again sometime after that, and I’ll fall out of touch with hundreds of friends. But I’ll always have the same family. I could leave the country for ten years and could still guarantee I’d have someone waiting at the airport for me when I got back; they’d be there. Because even though I don’t spend the majority of my time with them, they love me, they’re my family, and we’re gonna be together forever. I need them to be my parents, not my friends, because if they’re the latter, where can I go when I have a problem I can’t talk about with my friends?

Zach, 17

Hawaii

I wish my parents knew how much I care about them. I hardly ever express heartfelt appreciation towards them, not because I don’t care or because the appreciation isn’t due, but simply because I am unable to properly express my feelings. It’s almost like they do so much for me that I’ll never be able to pay them back. Because I know that appreciatory phrases will never suffice, I don’t say them. I know that words will never make up for all that my parents do for me. I feel so uncomfortable that I just don’t say anything.

I wish I could tell my parents I loved them without feeling awkward inside. I know I love them, I just can’t express it. It has come to the point where saying “I love you” would be a surprise, and therefore the phrase would draw attention. Usually attention is a good thing, but when the attention is on something awkward, it’s a nightmare. It’s gotten so bad that I almost didn’t write this. It’s gotten so bad that I don’t want my parents to know this even exists. But inside, I want them to know that even though I don’t act like it all the time, I really do care about them.

Jennifer, 14

Moreno Valley, California

Parents: they can be supportive and caring, but to most teens they’re thought to be overprotective and nosy. Well, my parents are none of the above. I would like for my parents to find things, besides my mistakes, to be interesting. To take part in my excitement that I passed the high school exit exam, and got a B- on a math test. To make a long story short, I’d like them to take some part in my life, besides the parts where I am wrong. Being trusted may go too far, but being believed isn’t. Yes, I have lied and probably will later on, but not about everything. I can be believed, but what would make it easier would be for them to actually hear me out. I want them to listen to what I have to say, whether it’s an opinion or a thought—even if it’s a lie. I would also like it if I didn’t have to change who I am for them, to make them happy, while I’m left in the dust miserable and hating. I know that I want these things to happen, but I also know that they aren’t going to happen. So if they aren’t going to care, except when I’m wrong, then I want them to not care at all.

Emma, 15

Verdale, Washington

I wish my parents knew more about me. Sometimes I’ll be sitting in the car and my parents will ask about my day. I’ll talk to them, but I will not tell them about everything. I won’t tell them about my friends, boys, or problems at school because I know how they will react—and it is the same every time. Getting the same response every time is really irritating to me. So instead of telling my parents about everything, I just think, “Why bother?” Because of my attitude, my parents see me as just another distant teenager, and it seems they don’t trust me as much.

Sometimes I do try to talk to my parents, but it seems like they don’t even try to relate to me. I know that they were kids once, and I’m sure they had some of the same experiences that I am having as a teenager. I even think that I share some of the same dreams for the future that they had. But my parents never talk about their childhood, and they make it very difficult for me to find any kind of common ground with them.

I also find it frustrating sometimes what my parents want for me is not what I always want for myself. I know my parents only want the best for me, but sometimes I want to choose for myself (as long as I never abuse my agency). I want to show my parents that when I can choose for myself I will make the right choice.

Jake, 18

Yorba Linda, CA

When I hear the question, “What do you wish your parents knew about you?” my mind automatically thinks that there are a lot of things to say, but, when I really dig deep, there are only a few things. I’d definitely be comfortable saying that I have a healthy relationship with my parents. But not that healthy, because I’m a teenage boy and keep most of my answers to one word or perhaps even an occasional grunt. My parents may think that I don’t appreciate them, when in reality I’m only frustrated by the phrasing of the question. Just the way they ask me sometimes makes me not even want to say anything, so I then in turn give them a grunt. The funny thing is, I really do want to talk to them, but I just don’t know how, and I don’t want to explain to them the reasoning for why I’m into the things I’m into and why I think certain things are funny. I just don’t think they’d understand. So the one thing I’d want my parents to know is that I’m trying to communicate, but it usually just comes out in the wrong way.

Maria, 17

Verdale, Washington

I want my parents to know that I am ignorant about a lot of things, and in order to learn, I need them to show me how to do things—at least once. My parents act like I should already know that when I put a package of popcorn in the microwave for five minutes (like the package instructs) that it will burn. My question is: How am I supposed to know that popcorn is best cooked for two minutes and not five if I am never taught?

I don’t understand how I am supposed to automatically know how to fill out financial aid papers, cook dinner, or wash laundry if I am never taught how. It seems to me that there are a lot of things that appear so simple to adults, and so they assume that their kids already understand these things. The truth is, the adults had to learn how to wash their dirty clothes, and so do their kids.

I’ve heard stories of kids who go to college and don’t know how to clean and cook. I’ve also heard adults question why kids don’t take advantage of opportunities like scholarships. I would guess that kids don’t know how to cook and don’t apply for more scholarships simply because they don’t know how, not because they lack the desire.

LDS Living, Sept/Oct issue

Comments on this article	ADD COMMENT
that is a wonderfull articall Posted by carmen from Missouri I am a Sunday teacher for the 14-15 yr olds and think that this could help as a reminder just who my students are when they go home. I forgot what all of that was like. I also have a five yr. old daughter and it helped to give me some ideas on how I should treat her and talk to her about things out-side of the home. thank you.
Thank you Posted by Bobi from Irvine, CA Thank you for having teens note their feelings. As a youth it has never changed we ALL have problems talking about our life growing up. Now with teenage grandsons I see the pattern still going on and feel that we have to be open to them and hopefully set a better example of sharing our own feelings so they have someone to follow. All while remembering Christ wants the best for His children and by baby steps we all can do better in sharing our feelings. This will bring us closer with greater a more loving understanding of each other.
Amazing Posted by Jo Dee from Oregon I loved this article. I wish I could have 20 more answers from teens. I am using this article as a precursor to our FHE tomorrow. Thanks for this please do more like these.
To our wonderful youth Posted by Edna from Lehi, Utah Thanks for not giving up on your parents, for caring for them. It's not easy being a parent and when you talk we try to listen, it's not easy for us either, we may really don't understand what you're trying to say, so we may ask again, not because we're not listening, but because we want to truly understand what you are really saying & want to respond the best we can. We didn't go to "parenting school" and you didn't came with instructions. So we are both learing as we go. One thing is for sure, we love you!!!! and we ask Heavenly Father for help to be the best parents we can be, to guide us & direct us and for His spirit to also guide you & directo you on ALL the choices you are faced with. May the Lord be with tou!
Teenagers Posted by Monica from Petal, MS Thank you so much for this article. Teenagers really do have a difficult time today and reading this was a great way to see through the keyhole into their soul. I am a stake YW president and plan to get a copy of this article into the hands of every parent I can.
Parent Perspective Posted by Wendy from Denver Teens -- I loved reading your feedback & thoughts. I hope you'll thoughtfully read about what it's like to walk in your parents' shoes because someday soon YOU will be wearing the "Parent Shoes". Being a parent is hard. We take our stewardship very seriously -- we teach, train, house, clothe, feed, & protect you. We often go without things we might like to have or do so that you can have what you want or need. It may surprise you to know that we didn't understand our parents either, and your kids won't understand you. Parenting is "on the job training" at its toughest. Children come with no instruction manuals stapled to their behinds, so we are learning & we DO make mistakes. Instead of hearing that what I'm doing or saying is stupid (yes, I have one child who freely tells me that). I would LOVE to hear a word of appreciation, a word of love. I would love to hear that dinner tasted great. I would love to hear "thanks for the clean underwear". Instead, much of what I hear are complaints & just plain rudeness. Perhaps you have a friend who has lost one or both parents either to death or divorce. You might ask them how they feel about the parent they have lost. I bet they feel a lot different than you do. You will never comprehend how much your parents love you until you hold your own child in your arms. That will be when your appreciation education begins. Then you will understand why they sometimes say "no". Don't waste another day -- tell your parents that you love them -- they can be gone in an instant. Tell them that you do see all that they do for you. You won't be sorry. If you can't say it, write a list of the things you admire or appreciate and give it to them. They will treasure it forever & you will find it in their belongings after they are gone.
Grateful for kids comments Posted by Kerry from Australia I am so grateful for the kids comments about "what parents need to know" I have had 6 kids and it was a great experience, my youngest son was a challenge, but I am thinking maybe I was the challenge! I recently lost my oldest son he was only 37, his wife died afew months back, so I now am raising my two grandchildren. Jesse is 14 going on 15 and Ebonny is 12 going on 13. I am now back in the teenage years and although I have learnt alot from my own children, reading the comments of these children about what they wished their parents knew has opened my heart and eyes greatly. You know the old saying...wish I new then what I know now?...thankyou to you children that sent in those comments. I hope that I can raise these kids to be well adjusted and happy adults knowing that they are loved and they are part of an Eternal family.
Being responsible Posted by Geis from Okeene, Oklahoma I am responding to the last comment that young people perhaps don't know how to cook or get scholarships. Being a high school counselor, I labored hard to keep seniors informed of scholarships and admission procedures for college. Letters were sent to parents, students were reminded daily about deadlines and other procedures. I would go to thier classrooms to remind them. I also had them sign a signature page that they had received local scholarship applications along with the due dates. At deadline date, out of a class of 17 seniors, 10 had their applications in by due date. The late applications were not taken, so 7 students chose not to get local scholarships. I constantly pushed and encouraged students to get college applications in before deadlines, informing them that colleges will not take late scholarship applications Today's young people are great kids but many have problems with punctuality and accepting consequences.
Children's frustration in communicating with parents Posted by Tatia from Keller, TX My heart goes out to those children/young adults and I wish they could know that their parents would appreciate their frankness about their feelings. Parents aren't perfect, and sometimes it takes a blunt (but tactful) comment to alert us to what you are feeling or going through. I had this experience with my own son, and I was amazed at what he had to say! It never crossed my mind that he thought that I would be mad at him about how he felt or if his opinion differed from mine. Totally on the contrary, I enjoyed the conversation we had and continue to have about what's going on in his life, and yes, I do regale him with the tales from my childhood, but the difference is that now I am AWARE of his developing mentality and sense of self, and I am trying to encourage him to be a mature young man who makes the right choices. I am sure that your parents feel the same, but like you, may not know how to verbalize this, so be patient with them, and give them a chance (a few chances) to get to know you.
Thank you Posted by Janey from Australia I have just printed this out and put it on my sons desk with a highlighter, and note asking him to highlight the bits he thinks I need to understand, or that he relates to best. Maybe then we can work on getting past the grunts, and trust issues.
Thank you Posted by Denise from winona You know as a parent of 3 teenage daughters and two kids on the way up, I really appreciate reading your thoughts on the way life is from your perspective. I know it can't be easy to be a teenager in this day and age. I wouldn't want to do it all over again myself, The truth is we as parents don't know it all, but we want to! We want to understand your lonliness and solve your problems, we want to pick you up and carry you over the bumps. The honest truth is it is very painful for me to watch my children struggle. I want nothing more than for my kids to be happy and have a wonderful life and so if I am asking too many questions or giving too much information, maybe it is the only way I know how to help. We are all struggling on this path of life. We are all just doing our best. I do appreciate your thoughts and I am going to try to listen a little better and help a little more and stand back and watch! Thanks again.
Just Ask Your Son/Daughter Posted by Isabelle from Moorpark, CA After I read this article I started copy/pasting the comments from the teenagers. I was going to make a "point" to my 15 year old son that I indeed understood him and that I know that I am a good parent. But the spirit whispered to me "What is YOUR agenda for copying/pasting and giving it to your son"? WOW! It was so totally selfserving...I wanted my son to know that I really understood what it's like to be a teenager today and what I good Mom I am. So instead I chose to write on a slip of paper "Hi Charlie! I just want you to know how much I love you and am so thankful that you are my son. Love Mom
Thank You Teens Posted by Laural from Utah I was so thankful for the thoughtful comments made to parents from these teens. I have been struggling with how to interact with my teen for several months now. As I read these comments, I realized that I have been doing many of the same things to my daughter as some of these other parents have been doing to their teens. It helped me to see more clearly my daughter's point of view. These comments gave me some great ideas for bettering my interaction with my own daughter. Thank you!
Wonderful Article Posted by charin from canada The comments made me happy and sad at the same time. Happy that most of these young people love and respect their parents but sad that communication always seems to be a stumbling block. Makes me want to try harder with my three boys (who are still young) so that they can always come to me and honestly express their feelings.